InTune

I have another person in my head. She talks to me and tells me what the right thing to do is. She takes my hand and walks me through my despair and sorrows. She wipes my tears and calms my shaking shoulders. She is calm and graceful but stern. Sometimes she’ll scold me for saying something or she’ll just nod her head as if she understands and let’s me go on my way.

When I hear a creak and I’m hiding under my blanket, my whole body shaking and my heart not slowing down I can’t hear her. There’s a screaming in my head and I can’t calm down. I can’t breath, I can’t move, I can’t speak, I can’t do anything and it’s petrifying. And then an hour later I can feel my heart calm down and I hear her soft voice telling me to peek my head out of my covers and I do. There’s nothing there. No monster or person. It’s just me in my bedroom and it’s dark. And I feel a warmth wrap around me and I know she’s cradling me. I knowing she’s rocking me to sleep. So, I let my eyes close and I let my fears vanish. I’m safe as long as I’m in her arms and I never plan on leaving them.

Every day I walk around the world. Following the same path, doing the samething. Round and around I go, I can’t seem to stop. I look to my right and I see a different path. I long to go down the rough terrain, to jump on rocks, swing around trees, skip over the roots. But It’s blocked. It’s blocked by myself. I’m looking at a version of myself, her eyes dark and a scowl planted on her face. She’s shaking her head no. She’s telling me I’ll lose everything. She’s telling me I might lose friends. She’s telling me I’ll get in trouble. She’s telling me I’ll disappoint my family. But why can’t she see that I’m already losing my friends. Can’t she see that somedays I think about what it would be like to miss one day of homework. Can’t she see how my family is already disappointed. Can’t she hear the mean words they say. Why can’t she see any of it. I want to cry. I want to drop to my knees and let it all out.

But I can’t. I have a path ahead of me and it takes 24 hours to circle back around and then I repeat. That’s what everyone is doing. Walking around and around, never stopping and thinking, just doing. We can't hear each other. Sometimes I come across people who look like they’re shouting and screaming out for help but I can’t hear them. I can’t hear the words they say.

I have “friends”. But I can’t tell them how I feel. For some reason I can’t be myself. So I pick up and book and I leave. A path appears and though I know it’s just an illusion, something projected by my mind, I go down the path. It goes to the same place as the original path but this path is a magical world. Magic mushrooms pop up around me, pink flowers sprout in a trail behind me, and there are people. My magic friends. My illusions. My hallucinations. They teach me everything I know and they lead me. I fight monsters and complete quests and in that moment I forget that it’s not real. And then the last page is flipped and the path vanishes and I realize that I was on the original path the whole time. I realize that I was walking the same place. And I scream. As loud as I can. I cry and I break down and I can’t get up because the sobs hurt my chest. My chest is heaving and I can’t. I can’t deal with this life. And then I come across the path again. The real one that seems exciting and dangerous and fun. And I meet my gaze and that’s it. I start walking and I take out a book. But this time when I turn the last page I don’t cry. I just pick up another book and let the new world be created.